Ricky Ponting & Shaun Pollock – After beating the bat with a couple of deliveries, Pollock told Ponting: “It’s red, round & weighs about 5 ounces.” Ponting hammered the next ball out of the ground and retorted: “You know what it looks like, now go find it.”
Fred Trueman and Raman Subba Row– Fielder Subba Row let an edge off Trueman’s bowling slip through his legs. Fred didn’t say a word initially but at the end of the over, Row approached Trueman and apologised sheepishly. “I should’ve kept my legs together, Fred”. “So should your mother,” he replied.
Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad – During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. Having dismissed Javed a few balls later Merv gleefully called out “Tickets please,” as he ran past the departing batsman.
Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne – As Cullinan strode out to bat, Warne told him he had been waiting two years for another chance to humiliate him. “Looks like you spent it eating,” Cullinan replied.
Robin Smith & Merv Hughes – Smith had played and missed to Hughes during a Lords Test, prompting Hughes to taunt: “You can’t f**king bat”. Smith smacked Hughes to the boundary a few balls later and shouted: “Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can’t f**king bat & you can’t f**king bowl.”
Denis Lillee and Mike Gatting – Australian pace bowler Lillee stopped on his run up to Gatting in the opening match on England’s 1994-95 tour to deliver the immortal: “Hell, Gatt, move out of the way. I can’t see the stumps.”
Aussie fan and Phil Tufnell – Fielding on the boundary whilst on tour in Australia, England spinner felt the sledging wit of an Australian spectator: “Tufnell! Can I borrow your brain? I’m building an idiot.”
Glenn McGrath and Eddo Brandes – McGrath was bowling to Zimbabwe’s tail-ender and getting frustrated that Brandes was consistently playing and missing. He wandered down the pitch and asked: “Brandes, why are you so fat?” Instantly, Brandes replied: “Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit.”
Merv Hughes & Viv Richards during a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn’t say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. “This is my island, my culture. Don’t you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl.” Merv didn’t reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: “In my culture we just say f**k *ff.”
Ian Healy & Arjuna Ranatunga , Ian Healy in his legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney… “You don’t get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat cunt!!!”
James Ormond and Mark Waugh, James Ormond had just come out to bat on an ashes tour and was greeted by Mark Waugh……. MW : “F*ck me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here, there’s no way you’re good enough to play for England” JO : “Maybe not, but at least i’m the best player in my family”
McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan: “So what does Brian Lara’s d*ck taste like?” Sarwan: “I don’t know. Ask your wife.” McGrath (losing it): “If you ever effing mention my wife again, I’ll F*ing rip your F*fing throat out.”
Ian Healy and Arjuna Ranatunga , Yet another Australian witticism with this time porky Sri Lankan batsman Arjuna Ranatunga the victim. Shane Warne, trying to tempt the batsman out of his crease mused what it took to get the plump character to get out of his crease and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up, “Put a Mars Bar on a good ”
Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a couple of times. Marshall : “Now David, Are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?” Rodney Marsh (Australia) and Ian Botham (England)
Rodney Marsh to Ian Botham in an Ashes match: “So how’s your wife and my kids?” Ian Botham’s reply – “The wife’s fine. The kids are retarded!”
Douglas Jardine (England) and Bill Woodfull (Australia)
England player Jardine complained that one of the Australian players called him a bastard. Australian captain Bill Woodfull turns to his team, points to Jardine and asked “Which one of you b*stards called this bastard a b*stard?”
Mark Waugh (Australia) and Adam Parore (New Zealand)
Mark Waugh standing at second slip, Adam Parore played & missed the first ball. Mark – “Ohh, I remember you from a couple years ago in Australia. You were shit then, you’re ••••••• useless now”. Parore-(Turning around) “Yeah, that’s me & when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly s*ut & now I hear you’ve married her. You dumb ••••”.
Steve Waugh (Australia) and Parthiv Patel (India)
When Steve came (Steve’s last test match) to bat, Parthiv said, “Come on, just one more of the famous slog-sweeps before you finish” Steve-“Respect Me…for when i made my test debut You were still in your nappies”.
Ravi Shastri (India) and Mike Whitney (Australia)
Shastri hits the ball towards Mike Whitney (the 12th man in the game) and looked for a single. Whitney said, “If you leave the crease i’ll break your f***ing head”. Without battling an eyelid, Shastri retorted, “If you could bat as well as you can talk you wouldn’t be the f***ing 12th man”.
Sunil Gavaskar (India) and Viv Richards (West Indies)
To ease the pressure on himself, Sunil Gavaskar had decided to come lower down the order and bat at No 4 for that particular match. But, Malcolm Marshall fired out Anshuman Gaekwad and Dilip Vengsarkar for ducks, setting the stage for Gavaskar to walk in at 0/2. Viv Richards said “Man, it don’t matter where you come in to bat, the score is still zero.”
Viv Richards (West Indies) and Merv Hughes (Australia)
Viv Richards hit Merv Hughes for four consecutive boundaries in one over. Merv stops halfway down the pitch, farted loudly, and said to Viv: “let’s see you hit that to the boundary!” Viv was dumb-founded.